Personality Layers Vs. True Individuality

All of us form personalities as children based on a need to survive and adhere to societal conditioning and norms - ALL OF US - even those of us that had a "pretty good childhood".

There's no relativity scale for trauma (read more about this, my philosophy & approach, and definition of trauma here).

These personalities layers could be called "people pleasing" or "perfectionism", and can sound like being told by a well-meaning adult to "just be nice" or "play nice" or simply being praised and rewarded for positive outcomes, for being "smart" - but without praise for trying, working hard, practicing, failing, and trying again.

In short, we're taught that we must make other's feel better, and we're only rewarded for positive outcomes.

"Being a 'good kid' often meant being 'mature'. We were often praised for not having big feelings, not making messes, not making noise. Thing is...kids really need to have big feelings, make messes, and make noise. 'Good kids' can often grow into anxious adults."

-Dr. Glenn Doyle

We learn that these traits bring us love and acceptance, so we do it more. And the more we do it, the more layers we add over our true individuality.

It's no one's fault and I'm not vilifying personality layers. Sometimes we need them.

What I'm excited about is using them with conscious awareness, and empowering you to be your true individual self.

Your Human Software Needs An Update

Fast forward a few decades after we've been adulting for a while the side effects of these personality layers start to show up.

This is why I say it's crucial for all adults to update their subconscious beliefs.

If we don't, we're still operating from the subconscious-formed beliefs from childhood that we must behave in a certain way to be accepted.

Except - - - we're adults now.

We have way more resources, support, knowledge, power, than we did as a child.

We're self-sufficient.

We no longer need to rely on the old tools (perfectionism, people pleasing) to survive in the world.

We know this consciously, logically.

But our subconscious mind hasn't got the memo yet.

When was the last time you updated your subconscious mind?

Barriers to Authenticity

Perfectionism

  • you fear being "found out" you're not as smart, or as good as people think you are (shame and perfectionism are close pals)
  • failure feels like death and you try to avoid it all costs
  • feedback never feels "constructive" and makes you defensive
  • you think grit and force will be a straight line to your goal: and when there's a bump in the road you feel worthless
  • all-or-nothing is your 24/7 mindset
  • you're rigidity makes you fall apart when you can't control outcomes or options
  • you're resentful of people that don't seem to be trying "hard enough" to also be perfect

People Pleasing

  • you have a big heart
  • you're empathic and don't know how to let other people be responsible for their own feelings
  • you want to help everybody
  • it's easier to deal with letting yourself down, than letting someone else down
  • your goals and dreams come 2nd or 3rd, or not at all
  • saying no feels awkward, scary, and foreign
  • you either don't know you're allowed to set boundaries - or you know you're allowed (maybe even supposed to), but you're too scared of how it will make other's feel so you keep sucking it up even though it's killing you.

Symptoms To Personality Layers

Anxiety

Feeling anxious due to circumstances as well as for no reason at all. Just an undercurrent of constantly feeling on edge.

Overwhelm

Easily overwhelmed, even by simple tasks. Responding to overwhelm in fight/flight/freeze.

Apathy

Going through the motions, feeling rudderless, not feeling connected to your life, dreams, or soul purpose.

Burn-Out

Trying to do everything for everyone while living up to perfectionistic standards leads to moderate to severe burn-out.

Either you need a day or two in bed resting; or you develop physical symptoms requiring more time and attention.

Insecure

Insecurities with career and relationships; never feeling good enough.

Constantly feeling like a victim to your life's circumstances.

Fears

Fear of not being able to keep all plates spinning, and others seeing you fail.

Fear of not being good enough.

Unlink Failure + Worthiness

(You're inherently worthy; it isn't contingent on a damn thing.)

If we take Michelangelo's advice, all we have to do is chip away the layers that don't look like us.

My guess is it isn't your life purpose to just make other people happy and yourself miserable.

You're not the cost of doing business.

You have specific gifts, talents, skills, and a point of view that is unique to you and only you.

If you don't get to express them, it's lost forever and we all lose.

~

What "chipping away the layers" looks like from a subconscious point of view:

understanding where and why you linked two beliefs that don't need to be linked.

Your worthiness has no business associating it's value with failure.

The two are separate.

You can fail at something AND still be good enough.

You can say "no" to someone AND still be good enough.

You can have healthy boundaries AND still be lovable.

You can take time for self-care AND still care for others.

It's a "yes-and" not an "all-or-nothing".

Your subconscious needs the update.

"It is easy. You just chip away the stone that doesn’t look like David."

-Michelangelo

What Happens When You Say "Yes-AND"

You believe you're worthy & lovable, even with boundaries.

Increased Energy & Vitality

See the journey to your goals as an irregular spiral and failure as feedback.

You enjoy the process and place less emphasis on outcome.

Less anxiety-inducing, more fun and flowy, and energizing.

Empowerment

You know you CAN make boundaries, and you DO. You hold healthy boundaries and have a deep knowing and trust that you're still lovable, worthy, AND you inspire others to do the same.

Self-Compassion

You give yourself more than just two options: all-or-nothing.

See success in nuanced ways that make you more resilient, adaptable, and dynamic.

Courage

Instead of becoming overwhelmed by other's and your own emotions, you learn how to trust yourself and make safe boundaries around them.

Improved Confidence In Work & Relationships

Your dynamic, playful and you adopt an optimalist mindset.

Your confidence grows at work and in relationships. You feel more secure within yourself. You trust yourself.

Increased Aliveness

Prioritize your self-care, personal development, goals and dreams; this actually benefits others and inspires them to do the same.

"You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end, each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful."

-Marie Curie

Before you book, read this

I was trained as a coach in Positive Psychology, and as a hypnotherapist with Marisa Peer in her unique Rapid Transformational Therapy process.

I am trauma informed; meaning, I have studied the nervous system and effects of trauma with Irene Lyon, Kathy Kain, and Peter Levine.

I approach sessions with an attitude of collaboration as RTT is a tool for healing based on empowerment.

I am not certified as a clinical trauma professional, or counsellor, or somatic experiencing practitioner. If you are experiencing PTSD, or have a score of 2 or more on ACEs, I have wonderful referrals to recommend for therapists that do have those credentials; please email me for more information.

You can take the ACE quiz by clicking the button below.

ACES QUIZ

What's included in 1:1

Rapid Transformational Therapy

Using the Marisa Peer RTT method of hypnotherapy and may include some of her RTT tools.

I trained live with Marisa Peer in Vancouver in the Spring of 2019.

Subconscious Coaching

Freeing you from old programming, old belief patterns, opening you up to create new patterns of behavior that serve who you are now and who you want to be.

Personalized Transformational Recording & Email Follow up

I provide a personalized recording for you to listen to for 21 days after your session to further solidify your new neural pathway.

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Sessions are 90-120 min for adults and 30-60 min for children.